Birth - 6 years old

I was born in San Diego, CA to Mary and Jim Macagno. They married 6 years before I was born at St. Pius Catholic church in Chula Vista. They had difficulty getting pregnant. They called me their miracle baby. My mother came from a large, Catholic family. She was one of eight children, which meant I had lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. My  father was one of two children. His younger brother was mentally disabled. Most of my extended family lived in San Diego. When I was born, my parents lived in Imperial Beach, in a duplex. The other side of the duplex was rented by my aunt, uncle and cousin, Claire, who remains my best friend! My parents belonged to a Baptist church when I was born. They called it 5th and E Baptist, because it was on the corner of 5th street and E street in Chula Vista. I went to sunday school there, along with a few of my cousins. Memories that stand out during this time of my life are family gatherings at the beach, thanksgiving at my grandparents house (my mom's parents), and my uncles playing Risk at my house. Going to visit my dad's parents was a special treat. My brother, sister, and I were their only grandchildren, and they always had treats for us. My grandpa would give us candy and fresh fruit from his own trees. Our favorite was the lemons. From age 3 - 6 we lived in a mobile home park. My brother was born when I was 3, and my sister was born when I was 5. The night my sister was born, my grandfather (mom's dad) came over to stay with my brother and I while my parents were at the hospital. I woke up to see him sitting on our floor watching tv. He told me that my mom and dad were having my sister, and to go back to bed. I had a special connection to my grandfather. I loved sitting on his lap. He always made me feel so loved. I had friends in our neighborhood. Most of them did not come from Christian homes. I remember going to the bathroom at my friend, Melissa's house, and finding a stack of Playboys. I was curious about sex after that. More on that later. My parents seemed to have a good relationship to me. I remember when I was 5, they went outside to kiss, and me and my friends, who were over for a slumber party, caught them, and giggled. My dad worked as a bus driver, and he would bring home things that people would leave on the buses. Sometimes he would give me makeup that he found so I could play dress up. I can remember my mom letting me go through her purse, and telling me that any change I found at the bottom, I could have! In the summer time the ice cream truck with drive right by our trailer, and we often were able to get some ice cream, or candy from it. When my sister was born, I liked to hold her. My kindergarten was next to our trailer park, and when I was at recess, I could see my mom, brother, and sister in the front yard. I really liked school, and when I would come home, I'd set up all of my stuffed animals and teach them what I had learned that day. Another memory is that of our nieghbors. It was my first experience with death. Two men lived in the trailer. They were gay, but I didn't know that at the time. One of them was really sick. They didn't know what kind of disease he had, but I think it was AIDS. He died in his sleep. Another memory is of playing in an alley that was lined with vines. I was with some boys from across the street, and they started a fire in the alley. We all ran away back home. I was scared for us. When I was 6, I was baptized at St. Pius Catholic church, along with my brother and sister. I guess my parents decided to be Catholic after years of being Baptists. My memories during this time are scattered, and I don't have many of them, as with most people. I remember feeling safe, and happy. We lived in the same city as both sets of grandparents, many aunts and uncles, and plenty of cousins to play with. Although I don't remember specifics about church, I knew about Jesus, and I knew God existed. But being a kid was my first duty, and I enjoyed it!

Heavy Burdens

There is a lot to write about right now, but I'm going to start with what is ever-present on my mind lately. That is my husband's upcoming deployment to Afghanistan. Back when we got married, we decided that we didn't want to raise a family in the military, so we both separated from the Navy. A couple years after becoming full-fledged civilians, we realized that we hadn't appreciated the benefits we had in the military, and we decided that my husband should rejoin as a reservist. And he did. We were told by the recruiter (we should have known better) that the job Jared does for the Navy isn't often deployed. Wrong! His particular skills are a hot commodity in combat zones, so soon after he finished his military education, he was told that orders for deployment would follow soon. And they did.

Soon after moving to a new city, we were told that he'd be deployed for a year to Afghanistan. And here we are, 19 days from his departure, and I'm feeling a bit...well...down. It's not like me to feel sad for any length of time. My modo has always been, "Get over it!", and I usually do. This is different. This is something I have never dealt with. I have to believe that there is a greater purpose and plan for this deployment. I know my heavenly Father will take care of me and our little ones. I know this, but I'm still sad. So, I've been distracting myself, with games on my phone, television, facebook, running errands, and just staying busy.

Although, when I am still and quiet, sadness overwhelms me. I did not expect this. I'm sure this is a stage of the "grief" process that goes along with pre-deployment. I've read about it. But me? I didn't think I would feel this way. Not that the deployment isn't enough to get me feeling overwhelmed, but I am also starting student teaching in two months, and my sister's wedding is in a month. And I can't help but look ahead and realize what it'll be like to be a single parent of two young children. It's a weight that is bearing down on me.

But a voice within me tells me, "my burden is light", and I know Jesus is with me, ready to take the load, and bring me peace. He has been with me all of my life, and he will not abandon me now. I also look around to see so many wonderful friends that are ready to surround me with support and companionship. And I feel the love of my children, who have complete confidence in my ability to parent solo. I hope that these encouraging extrinsic sources can have an affect on my intrinsic sorrow. Soon.

Awake too Early

I woke up at 3:30 with my baby girl, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Why? Because my brain won't shut off. I'm sure many women can relate. This year has gone from busy, to ridiculous. To add to my son beginning kindergarten, my daughter starting daycare, and me starting student teaching, my husband just got orders to Afghanistan. Really?!!! So now I have to make some decisions. I think I'm going to postpone student teaching for when he's gone. Maybe it'll help to distract me??? But what about the kids? So soon after daddy leaves, mommy goes to work? I don't know what to do. Will they be ok? Am I enough of a parent for them on my own?

I'm also thinking about my son's 5th birthday party, the preparation, invitation ordering, goodie bag filling. I need to make a list. Oh ya, and if I should stop breastfeeding my daughter for medical reasons, and the fact that I need to write a lesson plan for school today, and make a meal plan for the week, and go grocery shopping, and do the laundry. But whose keeping track?

I got a prescription for xanax, and I'm already on lexapro. The reason? I have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and one pill is not quite enough right now. I feel guilty for taking the xanax because it means I'll have to stop breastfeeding, and it makes me a little out of it. Not sure what to do about this.

But this is the thing...I want faith that this will all work out because it always does. IT ALWAYS DOES. I've been through some stuff in my life and I couldn't see how it would work out, but IT ALWAYS DID! Why? Because God has my back. My Lord is always present, whether I feel him or not. And I have to believe that, like the other times in my life, like when I miscarried and thought I couldn't have children, or when I was in a bad marriage, or when my dad died of alcoholism, God will see me through it. HE ALWAYS DOES.

There is nothing I can't do when he is with me, but I have to have faith that if I am HIS, he will take care of me. And even though I don't, and never will know HOW he will work for the good of those who love him. HE WILL!

Well, it's 5:00, and I've given up on getting anymore sleep. Walk with me today Jesus. And please don't let me go!

Art therapy

Have you heard of art therapy? I have, but never really looked into it for myself. It turns out, painting is really relaxing to me, and has been helping a lot with my anxiety. I enjoy going from sketch, to canvas, to paint, to accents. The steps, the process and finished product; it all brings a satisfaction to me that is a surprise. And I happen to like what I create. Oh, and it's cheap! This Christmas all of my specials are getting paintings, and I really hope they like them because more are coming!

The Threadbare Sheet

You know those old sheets. They are so soft because they've been washed so many times, and a slight tug would easily rip them. I loved playing with these sheets as a kid because I could drape them over my head, and be able to see out, but no one could see in. I've felt this way most of my life. I don't want the world to see in, to really see me. I want to look out, experience new places and new things, observe my surroundings, yet stay hidden. At times I may seem outgoing, but the sheet is still there, lightly hiding who I really am.

There have been several times in my life where I have trudged through mistake after mistake, and there would be maybe one person who really knew. I've been through times when I felt like I lived in a prison cell, and any attempt to escape caused so much guilt that I was drawn back in. I remember wiping away tears before attending family gatherings, slapping water on my face, and putting a smile on. Everything was always "ok", I'm doing "good", Yes, we're really "happy". Lies, lies, lies. Even the closest people in my life don't know how bad things got, or how much I pretended that life was going just fine. My desire for perfection built up a facade of fakeness that sometimes I couldn't even recognize as unreal.

Over the past 6 years or so, I've slowly been removing that old sheet, revealing myself to others, and being ok with who I am, really. I can't say I've done this alone. In all honestly, I believe I had very little to do with it. It has been Jesus, through prayer, and surrendering over and over again. It has been trusting Him to accomplish in me what He desires, rather than chasing my own expectations. The closer I get to Him, the more I believe in Him, and His Mercy, and most especially, His Grace. I've come to believe that I am redeemed and loved just the way I am, totally and completely. His Sacrifice. His Death. His Resurrection. Jesus is all I need. To say I need anything other than Him for redemption would be denying that what He did for us was not enough. He is enough. I really believe this.

Many times my intellectual, and practical side would push away any real belief because I thought I could do what I needed to do by myself, with the tools I have found on my own. I've tried this so many times, I feel like I should have learned a lot sooner. I can't do this life on my own (I repeat in my head several times a day) Jesus is all I need. And it is through Him, that this world isn't feeling as scary, the future is full of possibilities that I'm ok not knowing about. Like my dear daughter does when she plays peek-a-boo, I'm pulling the sheet down from my head. Here I am! I love Jesus! And through Him I am Free!

Cloudy Days

The sun on my face on Coronado Beach

I'm not going to lie. I have a hard time with cloud days. I wish I could afford to live somewhere where it was sunny every day, but alas, I do cannot. So far Tennessee has proven to be a pretty even mix of cloudy and sunny days. Lately, the cloud days have tipped the scales, and I'm feeling it. I feel like the clouds have moved into my head, and set up shop. I long to lay on the beach and feel the sun's rays beam into my eyelids, and heat up my skin. I long for the blue skies of the desert that seem to go on forever. Maybe it's the fact that I'm from a very sunny place that my body somehow craves it. Maybe I need one of those lights that mimic sunshine. This is the time where virtual reality would really come in handy! How cool would it be to put on some glasses and be transported to the beach. I would put my feet in a bucket of sand, lather on some sunscreen and relax under my virtual sun. I would seriously do this...unless it cost more money than a plane ticket. :)

All over the place!

That's me. I'm all over the place. I have a hard time committing myself to one thing, one interest, one plan. This makes having a career difficult, especially when I think that being with my kid is actually what I need to be focusing on right now. Instead, I am trying to start a business as a direct sales consultant, taking grad classes, and keeping my eye out for any other opportunity that will pay and let me stay home with the kiddos. The fact is, we're in debt. It's our own fault. We moved across country for a steady job with good benefits, but it doesn't pay quite enough to live on, so I am off to find a career once again. I know I would love being a special education teacher...eventually. I just don't want to do it while my kids are under the age of 5. Putting my baby girl in daycare is a horrible thought for me, but I'd do it if I needed to.

So there's that, then I start getting excited about this business. I kind of go off and on about it. Sometimes I feel like it's going to be successful, and other times I question why I even started it. I want to stick with it, and try my hardest to make it work. I want to just trust that God has a plan, and he has never let me down before, and yet I worry. Then, I think, well...I could always get my massage therapy license in Tennessee, and try to make a career doing that because it may be more flexible than teaching. The thing is...I'm all over the place!

I want to be focused. I want to recite my goals every day. I want to immerse myself in the word of God, and rest in knowing He's got my back. I'm His daughter after all, so what's the problem? I pray to gain focus, resolve and clarity in the coming year.