I woke up at 3:30 with my baby girl, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Why? Because my brain won't shut off. I'm sure many women can relate. This year has gone from busy, to ridiculous. To add to my son beginning kindergarten, my daughter starting daycare, and me starting student teaching, my husband just got orders to Afghanistan. Really?!!! So now I have to make some decisions. I think I'm going to postpone student teaching for when he's gone. Maybe it'll help to distract me??? But what about the kids? So soon after daddy leaves, mommy goes to work? I don't know what to do. Will they be ok? Am I enough of a parent for them on my own?
I'm also thinking about my son's 5th birthday party, the preparation, invitation ordering, goodie bag filling. I need to make a list. Oh ya, and if I should stop breastfeeding my daughter for medical reasons, and the fact that I need to write a lesson plan for school today, and make a meal plan for the week, and go grocery shopping, and do the laundry. But whose keeping track?
I got a prescription for xanax, and I'm already on lexapro. The reason? I have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and one pill is not quite enough right now. I feel guilty for taking the xanax because it means I'll have to stop breastfeeding, and it makes me a little out of it. Not sure what to do about this.
But this is the thing...I want faith that this will all work out because it always does. IT ALWAYS DOES. I've been through some stuff in my life and I couldn't see how it would work out, but IT ALWAYS DID! Why? Because God has my back. My Lord is always present, whether I feel him or not. And I have to believe that, like the other times in my life, like when I miscarried and thought I couldn't have children, or when I was in a bad marriage, or when my dad died of alcoholism, God will see me through it. HE ALWAYS DOES.
There is nothing I can't do when he is with me, but I have to have faith that if I am HIS, he will take care of me. And even though I don't, and never will know HOW he will work for the good of those who love him. HE WILL!
Well, it's 5:00, and I've given up on getting anymore sleep. Walk with me today Jesus. And please don't let me go!
