Heavy Burdens

There is a lot to write about right now, but I'm going to start with what is ever-present on my mind lately. That is my husband's upcoming deployment to Afghanistan. Back when we got married, we decided that we didn't want to raise a family in the military, so we both separated from the Navy. A couple years after becoming full-fledged civilians, we realized that we hadn't appreciated the benefits we had in the military, and we decided that my husband should rejoin as a reservist. And he did. We were told by the recruiter (we should have known better) that the job Jared does for the Navy isn't often deployed. Wrong! His particular skills are a hot commodity in combat zones, so soon after he finished his military education, he was told that orders for deployment would follow soon. And they did.

Soon after moving to a new city, we were told that he'd be deployed for a year to Afghanistan. And here we are, 19 days from his departure, and I'm feeling a bit...well...down. It's not like me to feel sad for any length of time. My modo has always been, "Get over it!", and I usually do. This is different. This is something I have never dealt with. I have to believe that there is a greater purpose and plan for this deployment. I know my heavenly Father will take care of me and our little ones. I know this, but I'm still sad. So, I've been distracting myself, with games on my phone, television, facebook, running errands, and just staying busy.

Although, when I am still and quiet, sadness overwhelms me. I did not expect this. I'm sure this is a stage of the "grief" process that goes along with pre-deployment. I've read about it. But me? I didn't think I would feel this way. Not that the deployment isn't enough to get me feeling overwhelmed, but I am also starting student teaching in two months, and my sister's wedding is in a month. And I can't help but look ahead and realize what it'll be like to be a single parent of two young children. It's a weight that is bearing down on me.

But a voice within me tells me, "my burden is light", and I know Jesus is with me, ready to take the load, and bring me peace. He has been with me all of my life, and he will not abandon me now. I also look around to see so many wonderful friends that are ready to surround me with support and companionship. And I feel the love of my children, who have complete confidence in my ability to parent solo. I hope that these encouraging extrinsic sources can have an affect on my intrinsic sorrow. Soon.

Awake too Early

I woke up at 3:30 with my baby girl, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Why? Because my brain won't shut off. I'm sure many women can relate. This year has gone from busy, to ridiculous. To add to my son beginning kindergarten, my daughter starting daycare, and me starting student teaching, my husband just got orders to Afghanistan. Really?!!! So now I have to make some decisions. I think I'm going to postpone student teaching for when he's gone. Maybe it'll help to distract me??? But what about the kids? So soon after daddy leaves, mommy goes to work? I don't know what to do. Will they be ok? Am I enough of a parent for them on my own?

I'm also thinking about my son's 5th birthday party, the preparation, invitation ordering, goodie bag filling. I need to make a list. Oh ya, and if I should stop breastfeeding my daughter for medical reasons, and the fact that I need to write a lesson plan for school today, and make a meal plan for the week, and go grocery shopping, and do the laundry. But whose keeping track?

I got a prescription for xanax, and I'm already on lexapro. The reason? I have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and one pill is not quite enough right now. I feel guilty for taking the xanax because it means I'll have to stop breastfeeding, and it makes me a little out of it. Not sure what to do about this.

But this is the thing...I want faith that this will all work out because it always does. IT ALWAYS DOES. I've been through some stuff in my life and I couldn't see how it would work out, but IT ALWAYS DID! Why? Because God has my back. My Lord is always present, whether I feel him or not. And I have to believe that, like the other times in my life, like when I miscarried and thought I couldn't have children, or when I was in a bad marriage, or when my dad died of alcoholism, God will see me through it. HE ALWAYS DOES.

There is nothing I can't do when he is with me, but I have to have faith that if I am HIS, he will take care of me. And even though I don't, and never will know HOW he will work for the good of those who love him. HE WILL!

Well, it's 5:00, and I've given up on getting anymore sleep. Walk with me today Jesus. And please don't let me go!