The Threadbare Sheet

You know those old sheets. They are so soft because they've been washed so many times, and a slight tug would easily rip them. I loved playing with these sheets as a kid because I could drape them over my head, and be able to see out, but no one could see in. I've felt this way most of my life. I don't want the world to see in, to really see me. I want to look out, experience new places and new things, observe my surroundings, yet stay hidden. At times I may seem outgoing, but the sheet is still there, lightly hiding who I really am.

There have been several times in my life where I have trudged through mistake after mistake, and there would be maybe one person who really knew. I've been through times when I felt like I lived in a prison cell, and any attempt to escape caused so much guilt that I was drawn back in. I remember wiping away tears before attending family gatherings, slapping water on my face, and putting a smile on. Everything was always "ok", I'm doing "good", Yes, we're really "happy". Lies, lies, lies. Even the closest people in my life don't know how bad things got, or how much I pretended that life was going just fine. My desire for perfection built up a facade of fakeness that sometimes I couldn't even recognize as unreal.

Over the past 6 years or so, I've slowly been removing that old sheet, revealing myself to others, and being ok with who I am, really. I can't say I've done this alone. In all honestly, I believe I had very little to do with it. It has been Jesus, through prayer, and surrendering over and over again. It has been trusting Him to accomplish in me what He desires, rather than chasing my own expectations. The closer I get to Him, the more I believe in Him, and His Mercy, and most especially, His Grace. I've come to believe that I am redeemed and loved just the way I am, totally and completely. His Sacrifice. His Death. His Resurrection. Jesus is all I need. To say I need anything other than Him for redemption would be denying that what He did for us was not enough. He is enough. I really believe this.

Many times my intellectual, and practical side would push away any real belief because I thought I could do what I needed to do by myself, with the tools I have found on my own. I've tried this so many times, I feel like I should have learned a lot sooner. I can't do this life on my own (I repeat in my head several times a day) Jesus is all I need. And it is through Him, that this world isn't feeling as scary, the future is full of possibilities that I'm ok not knowing about. Like my dear daughter does when she plays peek-a-boo, I'm pulling the sheet down from my head. Here I am! I love Jesus! And through Him I am Free!

Cloudy Days

The sun on my face on Coronado Beach

I'm not going to lie. I have a hard time with cloud days. I wish I could afford to live somewhere where it was sunny every day, but alas, I do cannot. So far Tennessee has proven to be a pretty even mix of cloudy and sunny days. Lately, the cloud days have tipped the scales, and I'm feeling it. I feel like the clouds have moved into my head, and set up shop. I long to lay on the beach and feel the sun's rays beam into my eyelids, and heat up my skin. I long for the blue skies of the desert that seem to go on forever. Maybe it's the fact that I'm from a very sunny place that my body somehow craves it. Maybe I need one of those lights that mimic sunshine. This is the time where virtual reality would really come in handy! How cool would it be to put on some glasses and be transported to the beach. I would put my feet in a bucket of sand, lather on some sunscreen and relax under my virtual sun. I would seriously do this...unless it cost more money than a plane ticket. :)

All over the place!

That's me. I'm all over the place. I have a hard time committing myself to one thing, one interest, one plan. This makes having a career difficult, especially when I think that being with my kid is actually what I need to be focusing on right now. Instead, I am trying to start a business as a direct sales consultant, taking grad classes, and keeping my eye out for any other opportunity that will pay and let me stay home with the kiddos. The fact is, we're in debt. It's our own fault. We moved across country for a steady job with good benefits, but it doesn't pay quite enough to live on, so I am off to find a career once again. I know I would love being a special education teacher...eventually. I just don't want to do it while my kids are under the age of 5. Putting my baby girl in daycare is a horrible thought for me, but I'd do it if I needed to.

So there's that, then I start getting excited about this business. I kind of go off and on about it. Sometimes I feel like it's going to be successful, and other times I question why I even started it. I want to stick with it, and try my hardest to make it work. I want to just trust that God has a plan, and he has never let me down before, and yet I worry. Then, I think, well...I could always get my massage therapy license in Tennessee, and try to make a career doing that because it may be more flexible than teaching. The thing is...I'm all over the place!

I want to be focused. I want to recite my goals every day. I want to immerse myself in the word of God, and rest in knowing He's got my back. I'm His daughter after all, so what's the problem? I pray to gain focus, resolve and clarity in the coming year.