You know those old sheets. They are so soft because they've been washed so many times, and a slight tug would easily rip them. I loved playing with these sheets as a kid because I could drape them over my head, and be able to see out, but no one could see in. I've felt this way most of my life. I don't want the world to see in, to really see me. I want to look out, experience new places and new things, observe my surroundings, yet stay hidden. At times I may seem outgoing, but the sheet is still there, lightly hiding who I really am.
There have been several times in my life where I have trudged through mistake after mistake, and there would be maybe one person who really knew. I've been through times when I felt like I lived in a prison cell, and any attempt to escape caused so much guilt that I was drawn back in. I remember wiping away tears before attending family gatherings, slapping water on my face, and putting a smile on. Everything was always "ok", I'm doing "good", Yes, we're really "happy". Lies, lies, lies. Even the closest people in my life don't know how bad things got, or how much I pretended that life was going just fine. My desire for perfection built up a facade of fakeness that sometimes I couldn't even recognize as unreal.
Over the past 6 years or so, I've slowly been removing that old sheet, revealing myself to others, and being ok with who I am, really. I can't say I've done this alone. In all honestly, I believe I had very little to do with it. It has been Jesus, through prayer, and surrendering over and over again. It has been trusting Him to accomplish in me what He desires, rather than chasing my own expectations. The closer I get to Him, the more I believe in Him, and His Mercy, and most especially, His Grace. I've come to believe that I am redeemed and loved just the way I am, totally and completely. His Sacrifice. His Death. His Resurrection. Jesus is all I need. To say I need anything other than Him for redemption would be denying that what He did for us was not enough. He is enough. I really believe this.
Many times my intellectual, and practical side would push away any real belief because I thought I could do what I needed to do by myself, with the tools I have found on my own. I've tried this so many times, I feel like I should have learned a lot sooner. I can't do this life on my own (I repeat in my head several times a day) Jesus is all I need. And it is through Him, that this world isn't feeling as scary, the future is full of possibilities that I'm ok not knowing about. Like my dear daughter does when she plays peek-a-boo, I'm pulling the sheet down from my head. Here I am! I love Jesus! And through Him I am Free!
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