Bitterness

Marah (Bitter) Lake

For some time now I've been searching to find out what troubles me. I get angry a lot, and yell, and keep up a wall that not even my husband can completely penetrate. I complain and let little things get to me. What is my problem?
Today at church, the Holy Spirit knocked me over the head with the answer: Bitterness. We are studying the book of Ruth. Naomi, whose name means sweetness, is consumed with bitterness because of deaths of her two sons and her husband. She even asks her friends to call her Marah, meaning bitterness. More on that later. As I was listening to this story, I began to be convicted in my heart that this is where my trouble lies. Bitterness.

Like Naomi, I've had struggles in my life: the divorce of my parents, alcohol and drug abuse, an emotionally abusive relationship, and the death of my father. These hardships in my life created in me a big, tough ball of bitterness. I've softened to some, mostly my children and partly my husband and mom, but for the most part, in all aspects of my life, I am bitter. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, I am anticipating pain and disappointment. I am bitter. How does my bitterness manifest? I complain...a...lot. I complain about not having enough money. I complain about housework. I complain about my job...I complain. And it doesn't satisfy anything. I don't get any joy from it. I end my complaining jaunts feeling empty and regretful. I also display bitterness by keeping an emotional distance from everyone, including my husband. If I don't completely give of myself, I cannot be devastatingly hurt again, I suppose. Bitterness has kept me from giving my all to our Lord as well. Jesus Christ is allowed into my life in steady drip rather than a flood. I want Him to flood into my life and cover me in his love and grace. I want to be an example of His love in our world. I don't want to be bitter.

Back to the story of Naomi. She asked her friends to call her Marah, which means bitter. When the Jews were being led through Egypt they spent three days walking in the Desert of Shur without finding any water. When they finally arrived at Marah Lake, rejoicing that they could finally drink water, they found it to be bitter and couldn't drink it (Exodus 15:22,23). Moses then asks the Lord to help him and then he was shown a piece of wood. When Moses threw that piece of wood into the water, the water became sweet (Exodus 15:25). As my pastor, Paul Aragon, summed it up...the wood of the cross can be thrown into the bitterness of our hearts to be made sweet again. It is through Jesus that I can be made sweet again.

And there is another story in Bible that describes a person who does not let his circumstances cause bitterness, but understands what it means to serve God and trust him completely. This man is Joseph.

Joseph forgiving his brothers

Joseph was sold into slavery when he was a boy by his own brothers. He was imprisoned twice during his slavery. Even after all of this, he still trusted God. In Genesis 45 Joseph is reunited with his brothers and tells them, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been a famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God." (Genesis 45:4-8) 

Joseph knew that his hardships happened for the greater glory of God. This is true sweetness. He was not made bitter, he was sweet in his love for God. The sweetness of a child who completely trusts his parents. The sweetness of a saint like Mother Teresa for the poor. The sweetness of Mary, who bore so much pain at watching her son be tortured and crucified yet remained faithful. The sweetness of my daughter, who smiles with complete abandon. Sweetness. I pray that Jesus restores my sweetness, and rids me of bitterness. My Lord, pierce your cross into the tough ball of bitterness within me, and make it into a flood of sweetness and complete trust in you.

Silence

Yes, silence. I sit in it tonight. The baby monitor is gently shshing and the fridge is softly humming. These moments are so rare. Though I am very tired, I just want to sit in the silence and write. My husband and I are practicing our faith and trust in our Lord Jesus Christ. It's a money thing...isn't it always. Things always work out and know that this will too. Let go, let God, is such a cliche. It is so easy to say that to someone, very difficult to follow through. So I sit here in the silence, knowing my God has my back...ALWAYS. My daughter just made a squeaking sound. Time for sleep.

20 Superheros

My superhero son had a birthday party yesterday and about 20 kids were here. Mostly 4 year old boys. Yay! Cake smeared into the carpet, superhero masks flung behind the couch, wrapping baby strewn across the living room...so worth it! We had an amazing time setting it up, celebrating and tearing it down. Such great memories of my boy's 4th birthday. I can hardly believe he is four years old. When we moved to this house he was 3 months old. Children grow quickly. I'm often told this by older parents who look longingly at my little ones. Though I'm "in the thick of it" right now, I realize that "it" will thin out sooner than I can understand. I love my children and I love being their mommy!

Week 2 of the diet

Week 2

Rule number 1

Myths/Untrue statements

• I should eat a hearty breakfast. It will start the day off right. (You’ve been sleeping all night-not exercising or burning many calories-are you really hungry?)
• I should eat three meals a day (are you hungry three times a day?)
• I should eat well-balanced meals (when you listen to your body’s needs you will eat what you need for nutrition. You don’t have to get all the nutrients at each meal.)
• I should clean my plate. There are starving children in China!! LOL…I probably told you this one. Just put on your plate what you really want to eat and that won’t be a problem.
• I should save the best for last. Eat what you really are hungry for first.
• Sweets give you quick energy. Yes, but you’ll crash later and sweets are one thing that can trigger overeating.
• I shouldn’t skip meals. You should not skip a meal if you are really hungry!
• I’ll get sick if I don’t eat regularly. Listen to your body’s needs.

Rule number 2

Beware of flirt foods. These are foods that arouse your appetite. You aren’t really hungry but you smell the cookies, the popcorn, you see the doughnuts and you want one. Just walk away because out of sight and smell and you’ll soon forget the flirt foods.

Rule number 3

Become more selective in your food combinations. Eat food combinations because you really want them. For instance, do you really like guacamole but always have it with chips-can you do without the chips and enjoy as much? How about just eating the hot dog and not the bun? Eat the part of the food you really want!

Rule number 4

Find out if you are a crunchy or soft food eater. What sorts of foods do you crave at every meal-something crunchy or soft? Make sure that is at your meal.

Rule number 5

Use a save your hunger when you need to adapt to other’s eating schedules.

Say you are at level 3 hunger but you and hubby are going out to eat in an hour. You don’t want to get to level 4 hunger which will make you overeat so what you can do is get either 1 tsp of creamy peanut which you very slowly lick and eat or 6 peanuts eaten very slowly or ½ oz of cheese which you eat slowly and let melt in your mouth. It will

Happy birthday my son!

Four years ago today we were blessed with a tiny 5 lb. 9 oz. 19 inch baby boy. He was so tiny, yet filled our lives and our hearts beyond our expectations. He is a light in this world. His character has developed into this curious, inquisitive, helpful, sensitive, and recently, tough little boy.

It's hard to believe I ever thought I couldn't have children. Three months before Topher was conceived I had a miscarriage, and was told by my doctor to not try to get pregnant for six months. I'm so glad I stuck to my guns and refused birth control! God had a plan for us, and now he is four.

Time seemed to go by so slowly when Topher was a baby. I was half in awe that he existed and half terrified that I would screw him up. Parenthood is tough, but he made it easy for me. As my first born he taught me how to be a mommy. Over the last four years we've cried together and laughed uncontrollably together. We have gone on adventures and gotten lost on accident. We drove together to California. We met new people and I got to see how much he is like me- shy at first before warming up.

Being Topher's mom, and now Sarah's mom, is the hardest job I have ever had, yet the most rewarding. Not only is my son four today, but I celebrate four years of motherhood. There were times I thought I would go crazy, feeling like I can't be a good mom, but I have realized that my Lord has made me the perfect mom for my children. We are uniquely matched. Although sometimes perfection is far from our everyday life, I am grateful for every moment of motherhood. I thank God for my children, and maybe we'll have more, but for now....TOPHER IS FOUR!!!

The Dallas Doctors Diet

My mom is reading this book and we are trying the suggestions in it. I wanted to share this information because it may actually work!

From my mom...

Christy, Here are the basics of this “eating plan” It is a 21 day plan to teach you a new way to eat.

First, write down your eating style: do you like crunchy foods, spicy foods, what are your preferences? This is important. What meals do you eat now and why? What are your favorite foods and snack when you are not dieting? Are you a fast or slow eater? Do you eat more when you are depressed, anxious, nervous, angry, excited, etc?

What do you believe is your normal “feel good” weight? This information will be important later

The four levels of hunger.

Level 1-No hunger-seeing, smelling or thinking about food doesn’t provoke any desire in you to eat.

Level 2-Appetite-the idea of “certain foods” is tantalizing like chips and salsa, cookies, etc but you wouldn’t think about eating a salad or leftover casserole at this point. Appetite can seduce you into wanting to eat something, even if you are full, but obviously, if you are full, you can’t be hungry.

Level 3-At this point even lettuce and leftovers look good. Your body is sending out strong “I’m empty” signals to you and you are aware of a healthy, pleasurable urge to fill up and will tackle your food with zest and eat until comfortably full.

Level 4-Over Hunger. This is dangerous because you will likely overeat. This usually occurs an hour after you have reached level 3.

Identifying your hunger level will at first be confusing to you. 65% of people only need two meals a day, 15% get hungry only once a day and only 5% of people three times a day!! Kind of smacks in the face of popular ideas, huh?

Week one: Step 1

Eat only when at hunger level 3

For three days do not eat breakfast-you may have up to three cups of coffee or tea with a conservative amount of sugar and cream if you like.

Do not take one bite of food until you have reached level 3. This may be at 10:30, 12:00 or even later! For me it was around noon.

Write down the food you ate and the time and your hunger level. This will help you identify your pattern of hunger.

Step 2

Eat anything you want, but taste your food!

Eat slowly-take around 20-30 minutes to eat your meal and enjoy every bite! Half way through your meal stop for 5 minutes and do something else.

Step 3

Eat one food at a time in Order of preference.

Don’t save the best for last. Eat the first thing you LOVE and all of it then see if you want more.

Step 4

Drink 5 bottles of water a day! Unless your cells are kept hydrated, they can’t burn off fat properly. If you don’t drink at least 60 ounces of water a day, you will lose only half as much weight a week. It has to be water. Check off on your food sheet that you have drank all your water and taken your five minute breaks during your meal.

During the first two weeks you can’t eat cereal, milk, juices, and sweets. You can add these back later.

The weather is dreary

And this usually causes me to feel down the entire day...but...I've been praying so much for a change of attitude. Today, I felt myself drawing inside, not wanting to deal with anyone, then I decided not to be ho hum, and put on some worship music, sang with my kids and built a pillow and blanket pile to jump on. Then I did some exercise, ate a healthy meal, took a shower and had some "special time" with my hubby. Amazingly, my day has turned around!

Ok, you can sit on my lap.

Leave me alone!

I just told this to my son. See my lovely daughter in my arms there. That's what she wants to do all the time. Honestly, most days I'm not bothered by it because we are driving around and I get some space from the kiddos. But today, we were home all day long, and therefore she was on me most of the day. Also, my son did not take a nap, so I am so drained from giving attention all day, no break. I feel guilty for wanting time to myself. But I know I need it. As soon as I got my daughter out of my arms and into the swing, my son wants to climb into my lap. These little blessings can be suffocating sometimes. I love my children dearly-of course you know that. Days like today just leave me feeling like I want to tie on my running shoes and take a long, long run. What I would love to do is wake up early enough to grab a shower, have some prayer time and read some of God's word. What a great way to start the day! I just have zero discipline right now, and I'm tired ALL THE TIME!!! What is a momma to do? Where can I squeeze in some time to myself? I know I will be a better mommy for it!