To cry, or not to cry

I am so excited for church tonight. It's Wednesday, something I think most churches do right. By the time Tuesday rolls around, I am grasping for Godly thoughts. At this very moment I am listening to my darling daughter cry her head off because I put her in her crib for a nap instead of holding her, and all I feel is anxiety. It's a difficult decision, whether to let the baby cry it out or not. I wonder what Mary did. And as God's daughter, what does he do with me. Does he address my needs instantly or let me wait it out and figure out on my own how to calm myself. I guess both are true. There are times when I was trying so hard to figure out God's will. I was crying out to him everyday, wanting Him to fix it for me. And, yet, when I would let go and allow rest to come, he would fill me with peace about the right decision to make. My struggle is trying too hard, when He is sufficient for all my needs. Trust. I wish my daughter would trust that she can fall asleep on her own. Well...off I go to calm her.

Perfect Surrender

I am a controlling person. I want everything to go just the way I plan. I understand that things may change, but day to day, I get anxious when I feel like something is changing, which I didn't expect. For example, if I planned on going to a bible study, and one of my kids got sick, I would get anxious and irritable, knowing I'd have to cancel and stay home.

This is where surrender is so difficult. Surrender my life as a whole is easy. It's not specific and I can see myself thinking in the long term and big picture of things, like, ya, God you can have my future. After all, I don't know what's going to happen in it. But it's the day to day stuff that I need to surrender.

I need to surrender my daily schedule, my weekly calendar, my notes on the family scheduling board. I want to be ready and willing for whatever God puts before me. I want to be able to stop whatever I'm doing- the dishes, the laundry, getting children dressed, and go where He leads. I want to be like my little girl when she's asleep, sprawled out, completely content and ready for anything. Here I am God! Help me to surrender to you always!

The big change and why.

The big change is that I have left the Catholic church. It's been difficult explaining to people why I am leaving, so I prayed about it. Why have I left? It was mostly a feeling, and I knew that wouldn't suffice as a proper explanation. I prayed, and wondered if I was making the right decision after all. And this is what came to me.

When an old building is being remodeled, scaffolding is used. According to Wikipedia...

"Scaffolding is a temporary structure used to support people and material in the construction or repair of buildings and other large structures."

Becoming a Christian is like being an old building that needs remodeling. The scaffolding represents support. Support from the church, the congregation, and the practices within the church. I was old and tattered. I had many cracks and broken pieces. In the Catholic church I was able to patch some things up, although the scaffolding wasn't there. I was given all the tools I needed- hammers, wrenches, sand paper, etc. The prayers were plentiful, the sacraments were meaningful and the mass was heavenly. I was able to fix a whole lot of my old, broken down self.

But like the old building being remodeled, after I was patched up, I was left to maintain myself on my own. Keep up those prayers, go the mass every week and continually renew reverence and understanding of the sacraments. I would take communion, and kneel at my pew while my little boy climbed on my legs. I would yearn for more support, more scaffolding. I was beginning to fall apart again, just little pieces here and there. I went about trying to find something to keep me from falling apart. The old ways weren't working. Now I had kids and a husband. I needed a new set of supports and assistance. The scaffolding wasn't there.

What I have discovered is that when I first came back to Christianity, to live the life, to truly follow Christ, I was given all the tools, but not the support. I was given prayers, but no one to pray with. I was given sacraments, but no fellowship to be strengthened by them. I was given the mass, and was left alone to find our Lord within it.

I need scaffolding. I need support, fellowship and JESUS. I need to be taught how to evangelize. I need to be encouraged to go deeper, and lifted up by other believers when I begin to fall. I need to be uplifted. I need JESUS! Like the early Christians, I need other believers to live in community with. Those early believers were not left alone to draw close to Christ. They were assembled and supported.

Like the old building, I desire to be made new again. But I need scaffolding to be placed around me so that the changes I make in my life are stable and can withstand challenges. Although, unlike the temporary structure of a building's scaffolding, I need a permanent structure to keep me new and seeking and pressing into JESUS. He is the architect, the body of Christ is the scaffolding, and I have found a new neighborhood.

A change of mind.

I am having a serious change of mind. I don't want to disclose what this change is, but suffice to say, it is life changing. It's strange how one's mind can just change. It's too difficult to write about this right now, but I will write more later.

Far too long.

It has been far too long between postings. I've been browsing fashion blogs and really enjoying it! I have a difficult time finding complimenting clothes for my shape and size. I'm a rectangle-shaped, athletic, short body type. I really like going to thrift stores and piecing together fun outfits. It has been two months since the birth of my daughter, and I am wanting to get back to wearing stylish clothes. It kind of seems impractical because I'm a SAHM, but a girl's gotta feel pretty!

As I was saying, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! She is darling and sweet and precious. My son is adjusting really well and loves his baby sister. Having two kids now presents a new set of challenges, but we're finding our groove.

That's all for now, but I'll be back for some deeper, more profound posts. I am full of opinions and musings.

Blessings

As I look over my family room, watching my husband and son exercising together, and feeling the baby girl in my womb, I feel so blessed. It was only 5 years ago that I was living in Pensacola, FL experiencing the aftermath of a miscarriage and wondering if I'd ever be able to have children. I'm reminded that there are many women who feel this same way. I want to let you know that there is hope. Try the Creighton Model. Google it.

Because I thought I may not be able to have children, I created a wall within me. I began planning my career and throwing myself in college and work, believing this is where I would receive satisfaction and fulfillment. I spent so much time creating this environment within myself that it has taken me a lot of time to undo it, and accept and feel content in my current role as mother and homemaker.

This has been quite the transition for me. Even though my son is 3 years old, I am just now accepting this role completely. During my son's life, I have tried to start a career back up. I tried to work part time, and I tried to work from home. I did this because I was so convinced that I had to contribute an income in order to be valued in my family. I wholeheartedly do not believe this now. I am raising my children, meeting the needs of my husband and keeping a home that allows those who live in it to feel safe, comfortable and at ease.

The blessings before me are abounding and ever-giving. I am grateful for them, and know that this is exactly where God wants me to be.

Being changed

I am being changed from the inside by God. Yes, indeed, you heard right. I am moving away from the independent, irritable and critical person I have been for a really long time to really giving myself up to change. The change is happening in my marriage mostly. I am learning to depend on my husband, allow him to lead me, and to serve him...yup...serve him. The service comes from some serious love. I also seriously love my son, and for the most part I serve him too, just not in the same way. Basically I am learning to put my family before myself. And I have to say, I am actually feeling fulfilled, satisfied and content. Is this the place of women? Is it just good for me because I have a good husband and well behaved son?