Birth - 6 years old

I was born in San Diego, CA to Mary and Jim Macagno. They married 6 years before I was born at St. Pius Catholic church in Chula Vista. They had difficulty getting pregnant. They called me their miracle baby. My mother came from a large, Catholic family. She was one of eight children, which meant I had lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. My  father was one of two children. His younger brother was mentally disabled. Most of my extended family lived in San Diego. When I was born, my parents lived in Imperial Beach, in a duplex. The other side of the duplex was rented by my aunt, uncle and cousin, Claire, who remains my best friend! My parents belonged to a Baptist church when I was born. They called it 5th and E Baptist, because it was on the corner of 5th street and E street in Chula Vista. I went to sunday school there, along with a few of my cousins. Memories that stand out during this time of my life are family gatherings at the beach, thanksgiving at my grandparents house (my mom's parents), and my uncles playing Risk at my house. Going to visit my dad's parents was a special treat. My brother, sister, and I were their only grandchildren, and they always had treats for us. My grandpa would give us candy and fresh fruit from his own trees. Our favorite was the lemons. From age 3 - 6 we lived in a mobile home park. My brother was born when I was 3, and my sister was born when I was 5. The night my sister was born, my grandfather (mom's dad) came over to stay with my brother and I while my parents were at the hospital. I woke up to see him sitting on our floor watching tv. He told me that my mom and dad were having my sister, and to go back to bed. I had a special connection to my grandfather. I loved sitting on his lap. He always made me feel so loved. I had friends in our neighborhood. Most of them did not come from Christian homes. I remember going to the bathroom at my friend, Melissa's house, and finding a stack of Playboys. I was curious about sex after that. More on that later. My parents seemed to have a good relationship to me. I remember when I was 5, they went outside to kiss, and me and my friends, who were over for a slumber party, caught them, and giggled. My dad worked as a bus driver, and he would bring home things that people would leave on the buses. Sometimes he would give me makeup that he found so I could play dress up. I can remember my mom letting me go through her purse, and telling me that any change I found at the bottom, I could have! In the summer time the ice cream truck with drive right by our trailer, and we often were able to get some ice cream, or candy from it. When my sister was born, I liked to hold her. My kindergarten was next to our trailer park, and when I was at recess, I could see my mom, brother, and sister in the front yard. I really liked school, and when I would come home, I'd set up all of my stuffed animals and teach them what I had learned that day. Another memory is that of our nieghbors. It was my first experience with death. Two men lived in the trailer. They were gay, but I didn't know that at the time. One of them was really sick. They didn't know what kind of disease he had, but I think it was AIDS. He died in his sleep. Another memory is of playing in an alley that was lined with vines. I was with some boys from across the street, and they started a fire in the alley. We all ran away back home. I was scared for us. When I was 6, I was baptized at St. Pius Catholic church, along with my brother and sister. I guess my parents decided to be Catholic after years of being Baptists. My memories during this time are scattered, and I don't have many of them, as with most people. I remember feeling safe, and happy. We lived in the same city as both sets of grandparents, many aunts and uncles, and plenty of cousins to play with. Although I don't remember specifics about church, I knew about Jesus, and I knew God existed. But being a kid was my first duty, and I enjoyed it!

Heavy Burdens

There is a lot to write about right now, but I'm going to start with what is ever-present on my mind lately. That is my husband's upcoming deployment to Afghanistan. Back when we got married, we decided that we didn't want to raise a family in the military, so we both separated from the Navy. A couple years after becoming full-fledged civilians, we realized that we hadn't appreciated the benefits we had in the military, and we decided that my husband should rejoin as a reservist. And he did. We were told by the recruiter (we should have known better) that the job Jared does for the Navy isn't often deployed. Wrong! His particular skills are a hot commodity in combat zones, so soon after he finished his military education, he was told that orders for deployment would follow soon. And they did.

Soon after moving to a new city, we were told that he'd be deployed for a year to Afghanistan. And here we are, 19 days from his departure, and I'm feeling a bit...well...down. It's not like me to feel sad for any length of time. My modo has always been, "Get over it!", and I usually do. This is different. This is something I have never dealt with. I have to believe that there is a greater purpose and plan for this deployment. I know my heavenly Father will take care of me and our little ones. I know this, but I'm still sad. So, I've been distracting myself, with games on my phone, television, facebook, running errands, and just staying busy.

Although, when I am still and quiet, sadness overwhelms me. I did not expect this. I'm sure this is a stage of the "grief" process that goes along with pre-deployment. I've read about it. But me? I didn't think I would feel this way. Not that the deployment isn't enough to get me feeling overwhelmed, but I am also starting student teaching in two months, and my sister's wedding is in a month. And I can't help but look ahead and realize what it'll be like to be a single parent of two young children. It's a weight that is bearing down on me.

But a voice within me tells me, "my burden is light", and I know Jesus is with me, ready to take the load, and bring me peace. He has been with me all of my life, and he will not abandon me now. I also look around to see so many wonderful friends that are ready to surround me with support and companionship. And I feel the love of my children, who have complete confidence in my ability to parent solo. I hope that these encouraging extrinsic sources can have an affect on my intrinsic sorrow. Soon.

Awake too Early

I woke up at 3:30 with my baby girl, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. Why? Because my brain won't shut off. I'm sure many women can relate. This year has gone from busy, to ridiculous. To add to my son beginning kindergarten, my daughter starting daycare, and me starting student teaching, my husband just got orders to Afghanistan. Really?!!! So now I have to make some decisions. I think I'm going to postpone student teaching for when he's gone. Maybe it'll help to distract me??? But what about the kids? So soon after daddy leaves, mommy goes to work? I don't know what to do. Will they be ok? Am I enough of a parent for them on my own?

I'm also thinking about my son's 5th birthday party, the preparation, invitation ordering, goodie bag filling. I need to make a list. Oh ya, and if I should stop breastfeeding my daughter for medical reasons, and the fact that I need to write a lesson plan for school today, and make a meal plan for the week, and go grocery shopping, and do the laundry. But whose keeping track?

I got a prescription for xanax, and I'm already on lexapro. The reason? I have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and one pill is not quite enough right now. I feel guilty for taking the xanax because it means I'll have to stop breastfeeding, and it makes me a little out of it. Not sure what to do about this.

But this is the thing...I want faith that this will all work out because it always does. IT ALWAYS DOES. I've been through some stuff in my life and I couldn't see how it would work out, but IT ALWAYS DID! Why? Because God has my back. My Lord is always present, whether I feel him or not. And I have to believe that, like the other times in my life, like when I miscarried and thought I couldn't have children, or when I was in a bad marriage, or when my dad died of alcoholism, God will see me through it. HE ALWAYS DOES.

There is nothing I can't do when he is with me, but I have to have faith that if I am HIS, he will take care of me. And even though I don't, and never will know HOW he will work for the good of those who love him. HE WILL!

Well, it's 5:00, and I've given up on getting anymore sleep. Walk with me today Jesus. And please don't let me go!

Art therapy

Have you heard of art therapy? I have, but never really looked into it for myself. It turns out, painting is really relaxing to me, and has been helping a lot with my anxiety. I enjoy going from sketch, to canvas, to paint, to accents. The steps, the process and finished product; it all brings a satisfaction to me that is a surprise. And I happen to like what I create. Oh, and it's cheap! This Christmas all of my specials are getting paintings, and I really hope they like them because more are coming!

The Threadbare Sheet

You know those old sheets. They are so soft because they've been washed so many times, and a slight tug would easily rip them. I loved playing with these sheets as a kid because I could drape them over my head, and be able to see out, but no one could see in. I've felt this way most of my life. I don't want the world to see in, to really see me. I want to look out, experience new places and new things, observe my surroundings, yet stay hidden. At times I may seem outgoing, but the sheet is still there, lightly hiding who I really am.

There have been several times in my life where I have trudged through mistake after mistake, and there would be maybe one person who really knew. I've been through times when I felt like I lived in a prison cell, and any attempt to escape caused so much guilt that I was drawn back in. I remember wiping away tears before attending family gatherings, slapping water on my face, and putting a smile on. Everything was always "ok", I'm doing "good", Yes, we're really "happy". Lies, lies, lies. Even the closest people in my life don't know how bad things got, or how much I pretended that life was going just fine. My desire for perfection built up a facade of fakeness that sometimes I couldn't even recognize as unreal.

Over the past 6 years or so, I've slowly been removing that old sheet, revealing myself to others, and being ok with who I am, really. I can't say I've done this alone. In all honestly, I believe I had very little to do with it. It has been Jesus, through prayer, and surrendering over and over again. It has been trusting Him to accomplish in me what He desires, rather than chasing my own expectations. The closer I get to Him, the more I believe in Him, and His Mercy, and most especially, His Grace. I've come to believe that I am redeemed and loved just the way I am, totally and completely. His Sacrifice. His Death. His Resurrection. Jesus is all I need. To say I need anything other than Him for redemption would be denying that what He did for us was not enough. He is enough. I really believe this.

Many times my intellectual, and practical side would push away any real belief because I thought I could do what I needed to do by myself, with the tools I have found on my own. I've tried this so many times, I feel like I should have learned a lot sooner. I can't do this life on my own (I repeat in my head several times a day) Jesus is all I need. And it is through Him, that this world isn't feeling as scary, the future is full of possibilities that I'm ok not knowing about. Like my dear daughter does when she plays peek-a-boo, I'm pulling the sheet down from my head. Here I am! I love Jesus! And through Him I am Free!

Cloudy Days

The sun on my face on Coronado Beach

I'm not going to lie. I have a hard time with cloud days. I wish I could afford to live somewhere where it was sunny every day, but alas, I do cannot. So far Tennessee has proven to be a pretty even mix of cloudy and sunny days. Lately, the cloud days have tipped the scales, and I'm feeling it. I feel like the clouds have moved into my head, and set up shop. I long to lay on the beach and feel the sun's rays beam into my eyelids, and heat up my skin. I long for the blue skies of the desert that seem to go on forever. Maybe it's the fact that I'm from a very sunny place that my body somehow craves it. Maybe I need one of those lights that mimic sunshine. This is the time where virtual reality would really come in handy! How cool would it be to put on some glasses and be transported to the beach. I would put my feet in a bucket of sand, lather on some sunscreen and relax under my virtual sun. I would seriously do this...unless it cost more money than a plane ticket. :)

All over the place!

That's me. I'm all over the place. I have a hard time committing myself to one thing, one interest, one plan. This makes having a career difficult, especially when I think that being with my kid is actually what I need to be focusing on right now. Instead, I am trying to start a business as a direct sales consultant, taking grad classes, and keeping my eye out for any other opportunity that will pay and let me stay home with the kiddos. The fact is, we're in debt. It's our own fault. We moved across country for a steady job with good benefits, but it doesn't pay quite enough to live on, so I am off to find a career once again. I know I would love being a special education teacher...eventually. I just don't want to do it while my kids are under the age of 5. Putting my baby girl in daycare is a horrible thought for me, but I'd do it if I needed to.

So there's that, then I start getting excited about this business. I kind of go off and on about it. Sometimes I feel like it's going to be successful, and other times I question why I even started it. I want to stick with it, and try my hardest to make it work. I want to just trust that God has a plan, and he has never let me down before, and yet I worry. Then, I think, well...I could always get my massage therapy license in Tennessee, and try to make a career doing that because it may be more flexible than teaching. The thing is...I'm all over the place!

I want to be focused. I want to recite my goals every day. I want to immerse myself in the word of God, and rest in knowing He's got my back. I'm His daughter after all, so what's the problem? I pray to gain focus, resolve and clarity in the coming year.

Small town slowness

There's something good that happens when I live in a small town...I slow down. I feel less stressed. I feel less hurried. It almost feels like there is more time in the day. Even the cat seems more relaxed! I realized how much I like this small town slowness when we visited the closest bigger city to us, and I was immediately stressed by the busyness of it. Maybe it's age, maybe motherhood, maybe it's just the right timing, but this former big city lover is changing her ways.

New Endeavor

There's this thing that I've been thinking about doing for a long time...almost 6 years, and I've always been afraid of failing at it. It's network marketing, or MLM (multi-level marketing). The company is Tastefully Simple. The company itself is not the topic of this blog post, only my feelings about starting this new endeavor. As I was saying, I was afraid to fail. But this time, I don't have the luxury to consider failing. I must succeed so that I can avoid working a full time 9 to 5er and putting the kids in daycare.

My husband's job is awesome, and eventually it will provide enough income for me to not HAVE to work, but this is not currently the case. As I contemplated various options, I kept coming back to this MLM opportunity. What if I do succeed? What if I do really well, and make more than enough money? What if I am awesome at this? And all the negative stuff, I'm trying to just throw out.

One of the reasons I didn't think I could do this in the past was because of my bitterness. I'm not the peppiest of people, and I am surely not a sales person. I don't get very enthusiastic about things, at least not visably. So I wondered how I would stack up against the women that I saw doing these shows. They seemed so confident and peppy and enthusiastic. That is not me. What I know now is that that is ok. I can be myself, my genuine self, and still do this business.

So, there it is. I'm in business for myself now, and i feel that it is finally the right time. I'm excited about it, and can't wait to find out what awaits me and my family!

Good-bye to nap time? Noooooo!

Lately my son, who is four years old, has not been wanting to nap. He's always NOT wanted to nap, but now he's not whining about it. He very matter-of-factly tells me he's not tired. Does this mean it's over? Oh dear. I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I feel a little selfish for wanting this time in the afternoon to myself. I already have an hour and a half in the morning when Sarah is sleeping and Topher is at school, but I want the afternoon too *stomping feet*. I wonder sometimes if other mommy's are just counting the days until their kids don't nap because they can't get enough of them!

Sometimes I am at a loss as to what to do with my kids. My default is to find a park or a library. Lately I've been getting costumes from the Goodwill and letting my son play dress up. He loves just walking around dressed as a super hero. But then he wants me to play super hero with him. I used to have an imagination...what the heck happened to that? Am I too tired for an imagination? I remember sitting in my room for hours making up stories for my stuffed animals.

So what do I do with this kid if he's done taking naps? Should I give in to an hour of tv shows or game playing on my iphone? Or should I find something constructive for him to do? Why is this so stinkin' hard!?

Tennessean

It always amazes me how quickly a human being can assimilate to a new culture, and create new friendships. I've lived in California, Texas, Washington, Florida, Colorado and now Tennessee, and though I'm "from" California, wherever my family is, there is my home. As a child it was my parents and siblings, now it is my husband and children. We, as a family, make a place our home. It's a choice. It's also inevitable. I wouldn't want to go through life feeling like an outsider because I refuse to accept that where I live is my home.
This morning my son said to me, "This place has trees, and butterflies, and friends, and cool air, and a good house...I like Tennessee." No joke...my four year old son said this. And I could not agree more. I am not a Californian who happens to live in Tennessee. I'm a Tennessean. This is my home.
I've learned in life to never expect anything to remain the same. Change is expected, and with God, anything could happen. The future is full of impossibilities. But for now, I am content, and joyful and happy just where I am.

So many things to feel guilty about...

Feeding my 9 month old daughter french fries.
Letting my son watch too much t.v.
Not doing the dishes tonight.
5 minute prayer time.
Spending money on credit cards.
Eating ice cream almost every day.

Why? Why do I do this to myself? I'm a good mom and a good wife. I'm a loyal friend, and generally I'm nice to people. And I have great faith in my God. So, why do I feel guilty about these things? They seem small, but throughout the day there always seems to be something to feel guilty about. It's ridiculous! Maybe my expectations are too high, or I have a deep seeded need for perfection. Maybe the guilt is there for good reason, and pushes me to continue to do better. Whatever it is, it needs to be resolved. I need to find peace with it.

An Update on The Big Move

We've lived in Tullahoma, TN now for almost 3 weeks. The house in unpacked. Topher has begun pre-K, and Jared has begun work. We are settling in. To my surprise this little town is already starting to grow on me. I enjoy the slowness of it, and the kindness of strangers. The weather is not as bad as I expected (although, 3 weeks is hardly enough time to truly comment on the weather!). The days are becoming more mild, and the evenings are actually cool. I'm excited to see the change of seasons. Fall promises to be beautiful. Also, we are already meeting some great people. Jared has even joined a bowling league!

Some cool things we've discovered:

The Hands-On Science Center http://hosc.org/
Imagination Station http://www.tullahomatn.gov/imagination-station
Grow in Grace Preschool http://www.graceintullahoma.com/#/preschool
Coffee County Library http://lannom.org/

Some cool things we want to check out:

Granddaddy's Farm http://www.grandaddysfarm.com/
Short Springs http://www.tn.gov/environment/na/natareas/shortspr/

We are visiting Grace Chapel this Sunday (thanks Uncle Phil!) http://www.gracechapeltullahoma.com/
This will be the third church we've visited here in Tullahoma.

On the job front; Jared loves his new job. The guys he works with are great. Two of them helped us unload the Uhaul when we got here. Their families have been so welcoming to us!

I guess the only complaint I have so far is dealing with the bugs...oh so many bugs! We saw a horse fly yesterday that I mistook for a moth. And mowing the grass could upset wasp nests. Never mind the spiders and mosquitoes! Oh well...most of them should go away in the winter.

I still miss Colorado, and my friends there, and my brother and sister. Perhaps we'll make it back there someday. Life is never predictable (and I kind of like it that way :) )

Struggles of Motherhood

Sometimes I feel like I am in the wrong career field as a stay at home mom. I'm not crafty. I don't like to cook. I don't fret over what my kids eat or how they play. And I certainly don't limit screen time (I mean, really, how did moms do it before tv!). Having said all of this, I know that my kids deserve a mom who is home with them during these early years. I know this is what is best for my family. I have strong convictions that this is what I should be doing. 

When I was a little girl, I was never the one who said I wanted to be a mom and a wife. I always wanted to be a teacher, travel the world, a writer, and the list went on and on. But never, ever, a mom.  So when I graduated high school, my goal was not to get married and have kids. I joined the navy, travelled the world and started my college education. I loved my job(s) in the navy. I did really well, and was promoted quickly. And every job after this I have enjoyed. I like working. I like the feeling of accomplishment by the end of the day. I like verbal recognition and working towards the next promotion. 

When I had my first child, my dear son, my perspective on life changed, but the person I am didn't. I knew that I wanted to stay home with him, but I struggled to transition from full time worker to stay at home mom. What a change! I tried to work part-time, then full-time, but my heart ached at leaving him with someone else all day. I knew I had to come back home, but didn't know how to make it fit my personality. 

When my second child was born, I once again tried to work part-time, and it didn't work out once again. You'd think I'd learn! Whether it was teaching, massage therapy or respite care, I have worked off and on since my son was born. Now, for the first time, I am intentionally not bringing in an income and devoting all of my time to my family. 

This business of being a stay at home mom does not seem to fit my personality like it does for other moms. I have a short attention span, I'm impatient, I need alone time, I'm not sensitive, and I like talking about serious subjects. On the other hand, I can be silly, I'm adventuresome, I'm empathetic, and I love my kids more than I ever knew I could love anyone. 

My conclusion is that even though I think I'm not a typical mom, and don't do the job like I should, God knows me better than anyone, and he blessed me with these little people. He knew what kind of mom I'd be and gave me kids anyway! I've come to believe that I am the best mom for my kids. I do the best I can, and try to do better than the day before. I do believe this job of being a mom is the best job I've ever had, and by far the most important. I'm not perfect, and I don't expect myself to be. I'm a mom, and my kids love me just as I am.

Moving...with kids...to Tennessee

So, ya, we're moving to Tullahoma, Tennessee. I've driven through the state, and have met other people that have driven through it, but I know no one that lives there. I've been frantically looking online for any information about it, and I've found out some things that I'm actually really pleased about. It's been described as a Mayberry type town, which is totally cool with me.
The idea of moving across country is very stressful though. When we moved to Colorado from Florida, we had no kids. We also had no jobs, no house and no prospects, but we made it work, and here we are 5 years later doing alright. This time my husband has a good job...a really good job, we have two kids, and still no where to live. But we'll be alright. I know this because God is in control of this whole thing. We trust him, and I am trying really hard to not be anxious, because if God is in control, what do I need to worry about, right? Everywhere I've lived, I've found great friends, and I don't expect anything different this time. But, I've made some really great friends here in Colorado, and it's going to be hard to leave them. I hope to write more about his move and what comes of it. Stay posted!

Selflessness

That word eluded me completely before I had kids. And now, just as my son turns four years old, I realize how selfless I'm called to be. My children need ALL OF ME right now in their lives. I can put my plans aside for them. I love them enough. It is possible. Just as Jesus calls me to hide in him and die to myself, my children deserve this sacrifice of mine. This means no more planning for a career, but learning to be a better mom. This means saving my time to myself for when the kids are asleep, instead of logging onto facebook or blogging when they are awake and need my attention. This means seeking career success for my husband's career so that I can stay with my kids and raise them. This is so hard for me, but I know it's what I need to do. I pray to God to give me the strength to do it.

JUICE!

Today I paid a visit to my brother, who does nothing half-way. He gave me (let me borrow) his juicer and these books, which he bought when he thought he wanted to go on a juice fast. It didn't work out for him, but I don't think a fast would work for me either because I'm nursing. But I do want to juice, and apparently so does my 4 year old, who couldn't wait to down the carrot juice we made today! I'm excited for these changes. This week I am adding juicing to my current diet. Nothing more.

For My Health

Have I lost my ever-loving mind? Maybe. The reason I ask this is because I have decided to make some serious changes to my diet. The reasons: anxiety, sluggishness, irritability, being overweight, loss of endurance, cloudy thinking, tired all the time, and an overall feeling of ‘blah’. I’ve been reading a lot, and watching some seriously disturbing documentaries about food. So here are the changes I plan on making….

Dairy Products are OUT!

Only free range, grass fed meat

Only free range, grain fed chicken’s eggs

Gluten-free

Juicing as one meal replacement and snacks

Oh my crap…this will be difficult. But I’m so tired of feeling this way, especially when I’m with my kids and all I want to do is sit on the couch and be on my laptop. Also, my anxiety levels are increasing, and becoming gluten-free may help. I basically do not want chemicals and preservatives to destroy my body. I expect I’ll feel like crap for a few weeks, so I need to time this right. But I don’t want to put it off for too long lest I forgo it all together.

Changes will be made one a week. The easiest change first, and the most difficult last.

Change #1 Add Juicing to my current diet

Change #2 Cut out all dairy products

Change#3 East only free range, well fed chicken’s eggs and meat.

Change#4 Gluten-free

Change#5 Replace one meal with juice

Change #1 will begin on Sunday when I pick up a juicer from my brother. 5/27

Change #2 6/3

Change #3 6/10

Change #4 6/17

Change #5 6/24

Bitterness

Marah (Bitter) Lake

For some time now I've been searching to find out what troubles me. I get angry a lot, and yell, and keep up a wall that not even my husband can completely penetrate. I complain and let little things get to me. What is my problem?
Today at church, the Holy Spirit knocked me over the head with the answer: Bitterness. We are studying the book of Ruth. Naomi, whose name means sweetness, is consumed with bitterness because of deaths of her two sons and her husband. She even asks her friends to call her Marah, meaning bitterness. More on that later. As I was listening to this story, I began to be convicted in my heart that this is where my trouble lies. Bitterness.

Like Naomi, I've had struggles in my life: the divorce of my parents, alcohol and drug abuse, an emotionally abusive relationship, and the death of my father. These hardships in my life created in me a big, tough ball of bitterness. I've softened to some, mostly my children and partly my husband and mom, but for the most part, in all aspects of my life, I am bitter. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, I am anticipating pain and disappointment. I am bitter. How does my bitterness manifest? I complain...a...lot. I complain about not having enough money. I complain about housework. I complain about my job...I complain. And it doesn't satisfy anything. I don't get any joy from it. I end my complaining jaunts feeling empty and regretful. I also display bitterness by keeping an emotional distance from everyone, including my husband. If I don't completely give of myself, I cannot be devastatingly hurt again, I suppose. Bitterness has kept me from giving my all to our Lord as well. Jesus Christ is allowed into my life in steady drip rather than a flood. I want Him to flood into my life and cover me in his love and grace. I want to be an example of His love in our world. I don't want to be bitter.

Back to the story of Naomi. She asked her friends to call her Marah, which means bitter. When the Jews were being led through Egypt they spent three days walking in the Desert of Shur without finding any water. When they finally arrived at Marah Lake, rejoicing that they could finally drink water, they found it to be bitter and couldn't drink it (Exodus 15:22,23). Moses then asks the Lord to help him and then he was shown a piece of wood. When Moses threw that piece of wood into the water, the water became sweet (Exodus 15:25). As my pastor, Paul Aragon, summed it up...the wood of the cross can be thrown into the bitterness of our hearts to be made sweet again. It is through Jesus that I can be made sweet again.

And there is another story in Bible that describes a person who does not let his circumstances cause bitterness, but understands what it means to serve God and trust him completely. This man is Joseph.

Joseph forgiving his brothers

Joseph was sold into slavery when he was a boy by his own brothers. He was imprisoned twice during his slavery. Even after all of this, he still trusted God. In Genesis 45 Joseph is reunited with his brothers and tells them, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been a famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God." (Genesis 45:4-8) 

Joseph knew that his hardships happened for the greater glory of God. This is true sweetness. He was not made bitter, he was sweet in his love for God. The sweetness of a child who completely trusts his parents. The sweetness of a saint like Mother Teresa for the poor. The sweetness of Mary, who bore so much pain at watching her son be tortured and crucified yet remained faithful. The sweetness of my daughter, who smiles with complete abandon. Sweetness. I pray that Jesus restores my sweetness, and rids me of bitterness. My Lord, pierce your cross into the tough ball of bitterness within me, and make it into a flood of sweetness and complete trust in you.

Silence

Yes, silence. I sit in it tonight. The baby monitor is gently shshing and the fridge is softly humming. These moments are so rare. Though I am very tired, I just want to sit in the silence and write. My husband and I are practicing our faith and trust in our Lord Jesus Christ. It's a money thing...isn't it always. Things always work out and know that this will too. Let go, let God, is such a cliche. It is so easy to say that to someone, very difficult to follow through. So I sit here in the silence, knowing my God has my back...ALWAYS. My daughter just made a squeaking sound. Time for sleep.