So many things to feel guilty about...

Feeding my 9 month old daughter french fries.
Letting my son watch too much t.v.
Not doing the dishes tonight.
5 minute prayer time.
Spending money on credit cards.
Eating ice cream almost every day.

Why? Why do I do this to myself? I'm a good mom and a good wife. I'm a loyal friend, and generally I'm nice to people. And I have great faith in my God. So, why do I feel guilty about these things? They seem small, but throughout the day there always seems to be something to feel guilty about. It's ridiculous! Maybe my expectations are too high, or I have a deep seeded need for perfection. Maybe the guilt is there for good reason, and pushes me to continue to do better. Whatever it is, it needs to be resolved. I need to find peace with it.

An Update on The Big Move

We've lived in Tullahoma, TN now for almost 3 weeks. The house in unpacked. Topher has begun pre-K, and Jared has begun work. We are settling in. To my surprise this little town is already starting to grow on me. I enjoy the slowness of it, and the kindness of strangers. The weather is not as bad as I expected (although, 3 weeks is hardly enough time to truly comment on the weather!). The days are becoming more mild, and the evenings are actually cool. I'm excited to see the change of seasons. Fall promises to be beautiful. Also, we are already meeting some great people. Jared has even joined a bowling league!

Some cool things we've discovered:

The Hands-On Science Center http://hosc.org/
Imagination Station http://www.tullahomatn.gov/imagination-station
Grow in Grace Preschool http://www.graceintullahoma.com/#/preschool
Coffee County Library http://lannom.org/

Some cool things we want to check out:

Granddaddy's Farm http://www.grandaddysfarm.com/
Short Springs http://www.tn.gov/environment/na/natareas/shortspr/

We are visiting Grace Chapel this Sunday (thanks Uncle Phil!) http://www.gracechapeltullahoma.com/
This will be the third church we've visited here in Tullahoma.

On the job front; Jared loves his new job. The guys he works with are great. Two of them helped us unload the Uhaul when we got here. Their families have been so welcoming to us!

I guess the only complaint I have so far is dealing with the bugs...oh so many bugs! We saw a horse fly yesterday that I mistook for a moth. And mowing the grass could upset wasp nests. Never mind the spiders and mosquitoes! Oh well...most of them should go away in the winter.

I still miss Colorado, and my friends there, and my brother and sister. Perhaps we'll make it back there someday. Life is never predictable (and I kind of like it that way :) )

Struggles of Motherhood

Sometimes I feel like I am in the wrong career field as a stay at home mom. I'm not crafty. I don't like to cook. I don't fret over what my kids eat or how they play. And I certainly don't limit screen time (I mean, really, how did moms do it before tv!). Having said all of this, I know that my kids deserve a mom who is home with them during these early years. I know this is what is best for my family. I have strong convictions that this is what I should be doing. 

When I was a little girl, I was never the one who said I wanted to be a mom and a wife. I always wanted to be a teacher, travel the world, a writer, and the list went on and on. But never, ever, a mom.  So when I graduated high school, my goal was not to get married and have kids. I joined the navy, travelled the world and started my college education. I loved my job(s) in the navy. I did really well, and was promoted quickly. And every job after this I have enjoyed. I like working. I like the feeling of accomplishment by the end of the day. I like verbal recognition and working towards the next promotion. 

When I had my first child, my dear son, my perspective on life changed, but the person I am didn't. I knew that I wanted to stay home with him, but I struggled to transition from full time worker to stay at home mom. What a change! I tried to work part-time, then full-time, but my heart ached at leaving him with someone else all day. I knew I had to come back home, but didn't know how to make it fit my personality. 

When my second child was born, I once again tried to work part-time, and it didn't work out once again. You'd think I'd learn! Whether it was teaching, massage therapy or respite care, I have worked off and on since my son was born. Now, for the first time, I am intentionally not bringing in an income and devoting all of my time to my family. 

This business of being a stay at home mom does not seem to fit my personality like it does for other moms. I have a short attention span, I'm impatient, I need alone time, I'm not sensitive, and I like talking about serious subjects. On the other hand, I can be silly, I'm adventuresome, I'm empathetic, and I love my kids more than I ever knew I could love anyone. 

My conclusion is that even though I think I'm not a typical mom, and don't do the job like I should, God knows me better than anyone, and he blessed me with these little people. He knew what kind of mom I'd be and gave me kids anyway! I've come to believe that I am the best mom for my kids. I do the best I can, and try to do better than the day before. I do believe this job of being a mom is the best job I've ever had, and by far the most important. I'm not perfect, and I don't expect myself to be. I'm a mom, and my kids love me just as I am.

Moving...with kids...to Tennessee

So, ya, we're moving to Tullahoma, Tennessee. I've driven through the state, and have met other people that have driven through it, but I know no one that lives there. I've been frantically looking online for any information about it, and I've found out some things that I'm actually really pleased about. It's been described as a Mayberry type town, which is totally cool with me.
The idea of moving across country is very stressful though. When we moved to Colorado from Florida, we had no kids. We also had no jobs, no house and no prospects, but we made it work, and here we are 5 years later doing alright. This time my husband has a good job...a really good job, we have two kids, and still no where to live. But we'll be alright. I know this because God is in control of this whole thing. We trust him, and I am trying really hard to not be anxious, because if God is in control, what do I need to worry about, right? Everywhere I've lived, I've found great friends, and I don't expect anything different this time. But, I've made some really great friends here in Colorado, and it's going to be hard to leave them. I hope to write more about his move and what comes of it. Stay posted!

Selflessness

That word eluded me completely before I had kids. And now, just as my son turns four years old, I realize how selfless I'm called to be. My children need ALL OF ME right now in their lives. I can put my plans aside for them. I love them enough. It is possible. Just as Jesus calls me to hide in him and die to myself, my children deserve this sacrifice of mine. This means no more planning for a career, but learning to be a better mom. This means saving my time to myself for when the kids are asleep, instead of logging onto facebook or blogging when they are awake and need my attention. This means seeking career success for my husband's career so that I can stay with my kids and raise them. This is so hard for me, but I know it's what I need to do. I pray to God to give me the strength to do it.

JUICE!

Today I paid a visit to my brother, who does nothing half-way. He gave me (let me borrow) his juicer and these books, which he bought when he thought he wanted to go on a juice fast. It didn't work out for him, but I don't think a fast would work for me either because I'm nursing. But I do want to juice, and apparently so does my 4 year old, who couldn't wait to down the carrot juice we made today! I'm excited for these changes. This week I am adding juicing to my current diet. Nothing more.

For My Health

Have I lost my ever-loving mind? Maybe. The reason I ask this is because I have decided to make some serious changes to my diet. The reasons: anxiety, sluggishness, irritability, being overweight, loss of endurance, cloudy thinking, tired all the time, and an overall feeling of ‘blah’. I’ve been reading a lot, and watching some seriously disturbing documentaries about food. So here are the changes I plan on making….

Dairy Products are OUT!

Only free range, grass fed meat

Only free range, grain fed chicken’s eggs

Gluten-free

Juicing as one meal replacement and snacks

Oh my crap…this will be difficult. But I’m so tired of feeling this way, especially when I’m with my kids and all I want to do is sit on the couch and be on my laptop. Also, my anxiety levels are increasing, and becoming gluten-free may help. I basically do not want chemicals and preservatives to destroy my body. I expect I’ll feel like crap for a few weeks, so I need to time this right. But I don’t want to put it off for too long lest I forgo it all together.

Changes will be made one a week. The easiest change first, and the most difficult last.

Change #1 Add Juicing to my current diet

Change #2 Cut out all dairy products

Change#3 East only free range, well fed chicken’s eggs and meat.

Change#4 Gluten-free

Change#5 Replace one meal with juice

Change #1 will begin on Sunday when I pick up a juicer from my brother. 5/27

Change #2 6/3

Change #3 6/10

Change #4 6/17

Change #5 6/24